We live in a world where there are endless possibilities. Think about it: As women, we have a billion options when it comes to careers, relationships, clothes…hell, even groovy exercise classes. And yet, we’re more bummed out than ever before. Proof: When Pinoys were surveyed by the Social Weather Station in 1996, 40 percent said they were “very happy,” but by 2004, it was down to 28 percent. “Intuitively, having so many choices should make you happier, but it can actually make you feel worse,” says Barry Schwartz, PhD, author of The Paradox of Choice: Why More Is Less. “The more options you have, the higher your expectations, and when your expectations are sky-high, you’re destined for disappointment… no matter how good things get.”

So if such abundance doesn’t make us happy, then what does flip our bliss switch? Is it adopting the lifestyle before we had so many life options? Not entirely. Our parents grew up with fewer choices to make, but assuming their life goals isn’t the answer, because the world isn’t the same place today. The key is actually a mix of things, some timeless and some that relate to this generation. Here, the essential elements.

You Need a Solid Core Group of Friends

Look at Carrie from Sex and the City. Through everything from Post-it note breakups to snapped stilettos, she is generally one happy camper. Why? She has her posse. “Friendship is one of life’s main joys,” says David Niven, PhD, author of The 100 Simple Secrets of Happy People. “Spending time with people who really know you affords you the freedom to be yourself, which increases contentment.”

But you don’t need to be the founding member of your own fab four to be happy. “You can have a small close-knit gang or various friends that factor into different areas of your life but aren’t necessarily part of the same group,” says Niven. “What matters most is that you feel open with them and they can be open with you.”

Quick: Recall your favorite college memory. A hundred bucks says it wasn’t that time you studied really, really hard and got an A minus on your Chem 101 exam. The, um, yum incident with the teacher’s assistant in the lab after class ranks a little higher, right? Thought so. And that’s the point. “If everything you did in life was safe, you’d never have any exhilarating moments or crazy experiences to recall, both of which give you the sense that you’re truly living,” explains Brian Luke Seaward, PhD, author of Quiet Mind, Fearless Heart.

It’s Time to Toss Excess Stuff

If you can barely scrape together enough cash to spring for that P105 frap, you’ll love this: Money (and all the crap that you can buy with it) won’t bring you happiness. In fact, when wealthy Americans were surveyed, they reported being only marginally happier than the general public. “When you have limitless funds, you tend to be hell-bent on accumulating more,” says New York clinical psychiatrist Janet Taylor. “In the process, you lose the ability to appreciate what you do own and have difficulty feeling fulfilled.”

And you don’t need to be a gazillionaire to get caught in this trap. The problem might be that you just can’t seem to throw anything out. Like your favorite shirt from your high school days, that (hello!) is from Giordano. “Extra belongings weigh us down and crowd our space, making us feel overwhelmed and disorganized,” says Dr. Taylor. “Lightening up will help you regain control and, therefore, happiness.”

A Balance of Busy and Dead Time Is Key

Always zipping around in spaz mode without a second to spare for even a pee break is bound to take a toll on your mood. But so is idling the day away on the couch. “Overextending yourself induces stress, yet it also makes you feel productive, like you’re contributing something, which is very important to happiness,” says Niven.

“Similarly, inactivity breeds boredom, which inspires feelings of uselessness and discontent, but lulls are vital.” Essentially, all go-go-go will wipe you out, as will a solid diet of nada, but a mix of both? Bingo! Okay, so how do you strike the perfect balance? Fill your days with stuff you love (your Tuesday-night Tae-bo class) and stuff you have to do (balancing your checkbook). Just keep in mind that at the end of the day, you want to feel like “you’ve accomplished something but that you’ve also relaxed,” says Niven.

It’s Crucial to Give In to Temptation

You log overtime at work, hit the gym religiously, stick to a low-fat, no-fun diet, and even remember birthdays. Or maybe you aren’t quite so type A. But you still get to work on time, kiss your boss’s ass when you’d rather kick it, and play nice to your folks. Face it, making it in this world takes some serious discipline, regardless of your personality profile. “The pressure to keep up is so exhausting that it would seem like the payoff for showing such restraint would be great,” says Seaward.

Liking Yourself Is Non-negotiable

Since you’re human, you have no doubt had one of those “Omigod! I can’t believe I said that” moments, followed by a “Stupid, stupid, stupid” fist to the forehead. Like, say, the time you introduced your guy to Willy the CEO at the office beach trip, only Willy’s name is actually Bill. Then you spent the rest of the night harping on what an idiot you are. “We tend to beat ourselves up, but it’s necessary to let ourselves off the hook,” says Ed Diener, PhD, professor of psychology and leading happiness researcher at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. “Inevitably, you’re going to make mistakes, and yet you still have to like yourself.”

The same holds true for those socalled physical imperfections that you let deflate you. You know, the slight crook in your nose that you swear makes you a prime candidate for The Swan. We can all point to 10 things that are wrong with us, but the key to happiness is appreciating yourself despite them, adds Diener.

And that ain’t easy. But it’s very important to learn to keep your inner critic in check. So for every time you get down on yourself, remind yourself of something you excel at and get comfortable talking yourself up by tossing one positive thing (e.g., props from your boss or a sweet text from your boyfriend) into conversation.

You Must Stop Mentally Browsing

We know you’ve been here: You’re sitting at a restaurant, menu in hand, when the deliberation begins: Chicken or fish? Chicken or fish? After angsting for 20 minutes, you go with the fish…and then sit there until the meal comes, wondering if you should’ve gone with the chicken. Okay, maybe this is a very mild version, but in life, we do this on a larger scale all the time. “We convince ourselves that there must be something better out there, but ‘mental browsing’ is a recipe for dissatisfaction,” says Schwartz. “You’re wasting time and energy on doubting a good move just because there was another option, or 10, that you didn’t choose. You’ll never be happy if you live like this.”

The solution? Whenever a decision is in doubt—like whether your current guy is The One—pick two characteristics that are important to you (in this case, maybe it’s a sense of humor and a close-knit family). Once your criteria are established, ask yourself if they’re being met. If so, forget other options and move on. You’ll know if another option is better for you because it’ll nag at you. So relax, you’ve made the right choice… or at least one that’s going to make you happy.  

Guide to Happy Life #47 

Argue for Your Limitations, and They’re Yours 

Many people spend a great deal of energy arguing for their own limitations; “I can’d do that,” “I can’t help it, I’ve always been that way,” “I’ll never have a loving relationship,” and thousands of other negative and self-defeating statements. Our minds are powerful instruments.  When we decide that something is rue or beyond our reach, it’s very difficult to pierce through this self-created hurdle.  When we argue for our position, it’s nearly impossible.  Suppose, for example, you tell yourself, “I can’t write.”  You’ll look for examples to prove your position.  You’ll remember your poor essays in high school, or recall how awkward you felt the last time you sat down to write a letter.  You’ll fill your head with limitations that will frighten you from trying.  In order to become a writer or anything else, the first step is to silence your greatest critic –you. 

I had a client who told me, “I’ll never have a good relationship.  I always screw them up.”  Sure enough, she was right.  Whenever she met someone, she would, without even knowing it, look for reasons for her new partner to leave her.  If she were late for a date, she would tell him, “I’m always late.”  If they had a disagreement, she would say, “I’m always getting into arguments.”  Sooner or later, she would convince him that she wasn’t worthy of his love.  Then she would say to herself, “See, it happens every time.  I’ll never have a good relationship.” She had to learn to stop expecting things to go wrong.  She needed to “catch herself” in the act of arguing for her own limitations.  When she started to say, “I always do that,” she needed instead to say, “That’s ridiculous.  I don’t always do anything.”  She had to see that arguing for her limitations was just a negative habit that easily be replaced with a more positive habit.  Today, she’s doing much better.  When she reverts to her old habit, she usually laughs at herself. I have learned that when I argue for my own limitations, very seldom do I disappoint myself.  I suspect the same is true for you.   

The happiest person on earth isn’t always happy.  In fact, the happiest people all have their fair share of low moods, problems, disappointments, and heartache.  Often the difference between a person who is happy and someone who is unhappy isn’t how often they get low, or even how low they drop, but instead, it’s what they do with their low moods.  How do they relate to their changing feelings? 

Most people have it backward.  When they are feeling down, they roll up their sleeves and get to work.  They take their low moods very seriously and try to figure out and analyze what’s wrong.  They try to force themselves out of their low state, which tends to compound the problem rather than solve it. When you observe peaceful, relaxed people, you find that when they are feeling food, they are grateful.  They understand that both positive and negative feelings come and go, and that there will come a time when they won’t be feeling so good.  To happy people, this is okay, it’s the way of things.  They accept inevitability of happy feelings.  So, when they are feeling depressed, angry, or stressed out, they relate to these feelings with the same openness and wisdom.  Rather than fight their feelings and panic simply because they are feeling bad, they accept their feelings, knowing that this too shall pass.  Rather than stumbling and fighting against their negative feelings, they are graceful in their acceptance of them.  This allows them to come gently and gracefully out of their negative feeling states into more positive states of mind. 

One of the happiest people I know is someone who also gets quite low from time to time.  The difference, it seems, is that he has become comfortable with his low moods.  It’s almost as though he doesn’t really care because he knows that, in due time, he will be happy again.  To him, it’s no big deal. The next time you’re feeling bad, rather than fight it, try to relax.  See if, instead of panicking, you can be graceful and calm.  Know that if you don’t fight your negative feelings, if you are graceful, they will pass away just as surely as the sun sets in the evening. 

“Choose your battles wisely” is a popular phrase in parenting but is equally important in living a contented life.  It suggests that life is filled with opportunities to choose between making a big deal out of something or simply letting it go, realizing it doesn’t really matter.  If you choose your battles wisely, you’ll be far more effective in winning those that are truly important. Certainly there will be times when you will want or need to argue, confront, or even fight for something you believe in.  Many people, however, argue, confront, and fight over practically anything, turning their lives into a series of battles over relatively “small stuff.”  There is so much frustration in living this type of life that you lose track of what is truly relevant. The tiniest disagreement or glitch in your plans can be made into a big deal if your goal (conscious or unconscious) is to have everything work out in your favor.  In my book, this is nothing more than a prescription for unhappiness and frustration. 

The truth is, life is rarely exactly the way we want it to be, and other people often don’t act as we would like them to.  Moment to moment, there are aspects of life that we like and others that we don’t.  There are always going to be people who disagree with you, people who do things differently, and things that don’t work out.  If you fight against this principle of life, you’ll spend most of your life fighting battles. A more peaceful way to live is to decide consciously which battles are worth fighting and which are better left alone.  If your primarily goal isn’t to have everything work out perfectly but instead to live a relatively stress-free life, you’ll find that most battles pull you away from your tranquil feelings.  Is it really important that you prove your spouse that you are right and she is wrong, or that you confront someone simply because it appears as though he or she has made a minor mistake?  Does your preference of which restaurant or movie to go to matter enough to argue about it?  Does a small scratch on your car really warrant a lawsuit in a court?  Does the fact that your neighbor wont park his car on a different part of the street have to be discussed at your family dinner table?  These and thousands of other small thins are what many people spend their lives fighting about. 

Take a look at your own list.  If it’s like mine used to be, you might want to reevaluate your priorities. If you don’t want to “sweat the small stuff,” it’s critical that you choose your battles wisely.  If you do, there will come a day when you’ll rarely feel the need to do battle at all.

In the fourth chapter in James’ Epistle, he talks about why we fight with one another. 

Why do we fight?  Why are there so many quarrels in the family or friends?  Why do brothers and sisters or friends or husbands and wives find it so hard to get along with one another?  “Where do all the fights and quarrels among you come from?”  James asks.  There are several reasons, he says, for all the fighting in our lives.

First, he says, we fight because we want something, and when we don’t get what we want, we get mad and we fight.  Two children want the same toy.  Since they both cant have it, they fight over the toy.  Adults are like that, too, sometimes.  Two people want the same thing and when they both can’t have it, they get mad and fight over it like children fighting over a toy.  We fight over who’s going to use the car, or what TV program we are going to watch.  We fight, James says, because we want things, and when we can’t have them, we get mad and we fight. Second, James says, we fight because we are full of envy and jealousy.  Somebody has something we don’t have and we envy him for what he has.  We are jealous; we get mad because other people have what we don’t have.  And so we fight because, basically, we are greedy and possessive.  Another girl has the guy I want.  I get mad and fight her because I am jealous.  The other businessman is more successful than I am, or a friend’s prettier than I am, and I fight because I’m mad that they have something I don’t have and want. We also fight with one another because we are always asking for things that are selfish and not very good.  We’re always asking for things for our own pleasure, James says.  When our selfishness is frustrated, when we don’t get what we want selfishly, we get angry and we lash out at whoever happens to be nearby –a husband, a wife or a friend.  You want to go to a party, but your father says you have to stay at home to study because it is a weekday and there is class tomorrow, and you get mad and fight everybody in the house.  It really isn’t the husband or the wife or the friend or the parent you are angry with.  You are angry because you didn’t get what you wanted.  You’re angry because you want it –too much, maybe – but can’t have it. The solution to a lot of our fights is to want less.  When we simplify and purify our needs and wants, we are less likely to get frustrated.  Buddha taught that much of the pain in life comes from desire.  Minimize the desire and we minimize the pain and the frustration.  We are less likely to get angry and fight with one another.  If we have fewer wants, we will have fewer fights. 

Too many wants.  Wanting the wrong things.  The lesson of love is a hard one to put into practice.  Want less and you’ll fight less, he says.  But in the last half of the fourth chapter in the Epistle, James adds two practical rules for a lot of fighting that contaminate our lives and destroys our peace. Don’t criticize people, James says, and don’t boast.  Criticism is often really envy and disguised wanting.  It makes people mad and fight.  Boasting is often the cover-up we use to hide or compensate for the fact that we don’t have something we really want.   

Want less.  Don’t criticize others.  Don’t boast.  That’s what Love is all about.  And when there’s Love, we fight less.

I will regularly post a chapter from the book I am reading now, Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff.  It’s a very handy book that gives the simple ways to keep the little things from taking over your life.  It’s such a good read.  Richard Carlson, a Ph D, wrote this #1 best-selling book of the year (1997) who also co-authored Handbook for the Soul.

Think of What You have Instead of What You Want

Happy Life #49

In over a dozen years as a stress consultant, one of the most pervasive and destructive mental tendencies I’ve seen is that of focusing on what we want instead of what we have.  It doesn’t seem to make any difference how much we have; we just keep expanding our list of desires, which guarantees we will remain dissatisfied.  The mind-set that says that will repeat itself once that desire is met. A friend of ours closed escrow on his new home on a Sunday.  The very next time we saw him he was talking about his next house that was going to be even bigger!  He isn’t alone.  Most of us do the very same thing.  We want this or that.  If we don’t get what we want we keep thinking about all that we don’t have –and we remain dissatisfied.  If we do get what we want, we simply re-create the same thinking in our new circumstances.  So, despite getting what we want, we still remain unhappy. 

Happiness can’t be found when we are yearning for new desires. Luckily there is a way to be happy.  It involves changing the emphasis of our thinking from what we want to what we have.  Rather than wishing your spouse were different, try thinking about her wonderful qualities.  Instead of complaining about your salary, be grateful that you have a job.  Rather than wishing you were able to take a vacation to Hawaii, think of how much fun you have had close to home.  The list of possibilities is endless!  Each time you notice yourself falling into the “I wish life were different” trap, back off and start over.  Take a breath and remember all that you have to be grateful for. 

When you focus not on what you want, but on what you have, you end up getting more of what you want anyway.  If you focus on the good qualities of your spouse, she’ll be more loving.  If you are grateful for your job rather than complaining about it, you’ll do a better job, be more productive, and probably end up getting a raise anyway.  If you focus on ways to enjoy yourself around home rather than waiting to enjoy yourself in Hawaii, you’ll end up having more fun.  If you ever do get to Hawaii, you’ll be in the habit of enjoying yourself.  And, if by some chance you don’t, you’ll have a great life anyway. Make a note to yourself to start thinking more about what you have than what you want.  If you do, your life will start appearing much better than before.  For perhaps the first time in your life, you’ll know what it means to be satisfied. 

Resist the Urge to CriticizeR. Carlson 

When we judge or criticize another person, it says nothing about that person; it merely says something about our own need to be critical.

 If you attend a gathering and listen to all the criticism that is typically levied against others, and then go home and consider how much good all that criticism actually does to make our world a better place, you’ll probably come up with the same answer that I do: Zero!  It does no good.  But that’s not all.  Being critical not only solves nothing; it contributes to the anger and distrust in our world.  After all, none of us likes to be criticized.  Our reaction to criticism is usually to become defensive and/or withdrawn.  A person who feels attacked is likely do one of two things: he will either retreat in fear or shame, or he will attach or lash out in anger.  How many times have you criticized someone and had them respond by saying, “Thank you so much for pointing out my flaws.  I really appreciate it”? Criticism, like swearing, is actually nothing more than a bad habit.  It’s something we get used to doing; we’re familiar with how it feels.  It keeps us busy and gives us something to talk about. If, however, you take a moment to observe how you actually feel immediately after you criticize someone, you’ll notice that you will feel a little deflated and ashamed, almost like you’re the one who has been attacked.  The reason this is true is that when we criticize, it’s a statement to the world and to ourselves, “I have a need to be critical.”  This isn’t something we are usually proud to admit. The solution is to catch yourself in the act of being critical.  Notice how often you do it and how bad it makes you feel.  What I like to do is turn it into a game.  I still catch myself being critical, but as my need to criticize arises, I try to remember to say to myself, “There I go again.”  Hopefully, more often than not, I can turn my criticism into tolerance and respect.